look no pants
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
