A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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