If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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