I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
