your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
