i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
