Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
