I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Randomize
