In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
