im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
