Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
