I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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