dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize