the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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