I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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