his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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