it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
