***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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