and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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