I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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