Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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