Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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