i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
