i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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