I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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