is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
where are my eyebrows?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
