I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
