Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
