I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
