If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
