I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
