I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
