My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
