He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
