Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
