The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
