Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
