I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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