remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
