It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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