i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
