she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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