Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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