I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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