My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
