I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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