just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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