I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
