No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
