You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Vodka?
Forever.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
