I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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