There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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