he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
