i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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