Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize