I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
