Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
