My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize