There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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