Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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